When asked how I’m doing by friends who haven’t heard from me in awhile, I often say that I’m finally emerging from my cave…because for me, that was what the first few years of motherhood felt like.
I had read all of the books; my ego told me “I should have been prepared.”
But that isn’t how life works sometimes. Sometimes, the best preparation is simply practicing presence and surrender so that when sh*t gets messy, there is something deep inside that keeps you going.
Although I’m not ready to share all of the details yet, I will share that the unimaginable happened after my son was born and he spent his first couple of months in the NICU instead of with us at home.
It taught me that I have a lioness inside willing to fight for my child when the need arose, and I shifted to a more primal existence, one where survival ranked high and being seen and heard didn’t even show up in my awareness (or if it did, it was small and subtle, in dreams and passing moments).
Being in a cave was also a beautiful thing in that living in the present moment was necessary for survival; I couldn’t fathom thinking of what the next 5 years would look like when I could only see what the day ahead would bring.
I’m so grateful to share that despite a rough start, our son is thriving, and I equally thank the angels, my ancestors, and every single doctor, nurse and therapist who was a part of his healing process along the way.
Over the past several months, I’ve been hearing those whispers from my intuition again, the ones that invite me back into the light to radiate not only the messages I felt called to share before, but also to share a new one:
the world needs more powerful compassion for ALL of it, both the beauty AND the mess
Because life IS messy sometimes, and sometimes that mess can overwhelm us. And then we beat ourselves up for not “taking care of our mess,” but the reality is that when we’re in that space is when we need love most of all.
And so, here I am, emerging from my cave after learning to dance more gracefully with my shadows and those messy parts of myself I refused to look at before.
I’ve recommitted to the practices that changed my relationship to my own energy in the past and followed my intuition as I felt called to create something new.
And, in a classic “the Universe has a sense of humor” moment, the entire process was rife with mess.
The evening was planned out, our child was in bed, my partner in the director’s seat, and I was in my flow…only to discover after over 2 hours of filming that the sound was unusable.
And so I recognized the mess, gave myself just a moment to sit in it, then cleaned back up and went at it again.
The next planned evening was brutally hot, but I was determined to get the right lighting, so I set up the tripod outside and bought one of those cheap remote controls for my iphone camera so that I could coordinate the takes by myself while my partner stayed inside to keep an eye on our son.
Again, I was in my flow…until back to back airplanes flew right over the house for several minutes in a row.
So I sat in the mess, blotted the sweat from my face, and kept going.
Again, and again, and again, until finally I had filmed enough takes to *hopefully* ensure there would be something usable in editing.
And then, it all just seemed to click together.
The lighting worked, the sound worked, but most importantly, my message was strong and clear.
I share this with you to remind you that there is often a mess behind every finished product that is presented to you…but the fact that it is in front of you now means that someone, somewhere, saw that mess and worked through it anyway.
Messy journey and all, I am excited to share my finished product with you because I truly believe in the power of these processes.
It’s a 3 day video mini course called Chaos to Calm, and in it I teach 3 insightful tools from the world of hypnosis that will shift your energy, no matter what’s going on in the world around you.
You can access the course here – my gift to you, absolutely free:
Because no matter how messy it all seems, we are the ones who choose how long we want to sit in it and when we’re ready to clean it all up and create something beautiful.
With big, big love,