“To the ego mind, surrender means giving up.
To the spiritual mind, surrender means giving in and receiving.”
~Marianne Williamson, from The Law of Divine Compensation
While many were celebrating Thanksgiving this past week, immersed in abundance (connections, food, fun!), I was embarking on a deep journey within as I settled in at home alone for a 3 day White Light healing intensive with one of my teachers, Belinda Davidson.
What can I say…I’ve always done things a little differently.
My choice to immerse myself in this healing wasn’t just a fulfillment of my rebel tendencies, but a Divinely timed and much-needed break from the busyness of my world. It had been nearly 9 months since I had last embarked on such a retreat (read about that experience here), and I know myself well enough to know that I need a “reset” on the mind, body, and soul level more than just once a year.
Plus, my intuition told me it was time for another round of intensive healing, and as my intuition has yet to lead me astray, I chose once again to listen to her wisdom.
So I set up vacation auto-responders on my emails, made a “goodbye internet friends” announcement on my Facebook wall, and then quietly slipped into that sweet space unplugged from the online world.
Going into my retreat, I had high expectations of long hours meditating, journals filled with reflective writing, and perhaps even a hike in the mountains and some intensive time spent on my yoga mat.
Reality of course, is often quite different than expectations.
The day started off well enough; without the internet to distract me, I was finally able to dig into my growing stack of Yoga Journal magazines and read through 4 of them while spread out in my backyard on a blanket.
But a storm was brewing – both outside and within – and things had shifted for me once I finished reading and came back inside.
Instead of floating around in a space of bliss, I found myself in a state of panic and struggle with all the toxic thoughts and feelings that rushed to the surface when I slowed down enough to simply be.
My demons were here and ready to dance…and dance we did.
The first song was an old familiar tune called “What are you doing with your life?” with such lyrics as “Mistakes, mistakes, everywhere mistakes” and “Sure it might work for them, but would never work for you, you, you” and my old favorite “Hey, hey – give it up, give it up, give it up, hey!”
It’s a real catchy tune ;).
But dancing with demons was just the beginning…the Universe never leaves me stranded (in fact, it never leaves me at all), and I began to question why this had become the soundtrack of my life?
Or rather, an even better question, how long had this been playing on repeat in the background, sabotaging my inspired action with its negative energy?
In that moment I realized that I had become addicted to the busyness and craved the noise that came with it, trying to drown out my fears, rather than seeing them, accepting them and releasing them.
When I was tired of dancing with these demons, I decided that I would just “fix” it.
“I’m an intuitive coach! I can handle a little negative self-talk! Where are my tools – I just need my tools!”
And yet, the harder I tried, the harder it became to deal with.
Then…I got it. The healing began, as I experienced a “miracle” – or shift in perception – and I understood clearly the message the Universe was sending me all along…
Click to tweet>> Surrender…and trust you will be taken care of. <<Click to tweet
My intuition brought me back to the truth that I am supported – in ways I could see, but also in many many ways that I couldn’t.
By the end of day 2, the storms had passed, literally and figuratively, and I emerged from my cave to take my dogs on a walk – intuitively knowing that physical movement and body love has always been key for me to integrate truth and get any remaining energy unstuck.
When I stepped outside, I saw how vibrant the world really is. The rain gave the air a crispness I could feel in my lungs as I took deep, cleansing breaths. I walked through my neighborhood recognizing that I didn’t have all the answers…and I was perfectly ok with that.
By day 3, I felt lighter than I had in weeks, leaving my demons behind as I stepped into a more expansive space of trust. Does that mean I’m “cured” – struggles now a thing of the past?
Surely not. As long as I’m alive and breathing with both an ego and intuition vying for my attention, I know I’ll forget once again.